I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
