mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
