Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
