would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
