Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You were trust falling into bushes
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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