I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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