At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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