That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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