Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
