Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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