It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
