i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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