Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
