i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
