I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
