I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
