we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
