I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
