If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
