On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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