My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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