You don't have asthma, your pregnant
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this will be a night to untag.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
