It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
