he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
