I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Are we still banned from the library?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
