I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
