Someone shit on the floor
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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