I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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