Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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