i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
