Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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