I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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