My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
