these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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