Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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