hotel room ftw
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
