I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
