Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
