Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
