If i could tip my vagina, i would.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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