if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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