she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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