i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
