we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
