She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
