if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
