She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
