Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
