I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
