in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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