Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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