We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
