I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
